text: Csereș Karina Nicoleta

illustration: Bianca Popescu

 

Each went through a period of external and internal healing and this interview is about Alexei's journey. This journey led her to ask herself many questions about the reality that surrounds her, but also the one inside, thus starting to know and recognize certain signals. Here we have some sequences from her experience and the answers she received over time.

K: How did you discover yoga and spirituality?

A: I grew up in a rather violent and hectic environment, where the people closest to me saw in me a remedy for certain weaknesses, so since I know myself I have tried to do everything and excel in everything I do. It worked for a while, but with a perfectionist mentality, you don't want to, you can't fail; and when you fail the first time, you don't know how to handle the situation. I found myself at a point where on the outside, people saw the material results, but I didn't know my purpose and associated expectations with what I needed to demonstrate to have validated my potential. Ironic how potential is an inner energy and yet we wait for external validation of it to feel good about ourselves. First was yoga, which I started doing a few times a week because it helped me use my flexibility to get out of stressful situations and helped with muscle pain. Spirituality came later, with the frustration that we Christians are being baptized without actually knowing anything about religion. Then I said that I wanted to discover what is the thought and belief system that I really connect with, and for that I had to know myself.

K: How do you think these two helped you?

A: They taught me to react. They taught me to be more self-aware and to find my answers from within, to take responsibility in my relationships with people and to listen more, as well as to detach myself to be less reactive. I think everyone has bits of their past that they're not proud of – in my case, there were episodes where I became uncontrollably and unconsciously aggressive. It's only happened a couple of times - but when it does and you realize you're not in full control of your body, reality hits you and tells you you need a GPS for the areas you need to improve.

K: What effects did meditation have on you? What was your most exciting moment in meditation?

A: Basically, it helped me control the effects of outside energies on my mind and body. The most interesting? To give some context: I did not have a good relationship with my father. Half of us probably have a strained relationship with our parents, and each knows their reasons and tries their best to build bridges or ignore them and incinerate any memory. In the current situation, we are talking about the case of an alcoholic with a fatherly love that he did not know how to control or show - I was humiliated in public, whether it was at my shows, at school or in kindergarten; I had reached a point where we denigrated each other, which was exciting for him because he saw how my character was taking shape and motivated me to be more than a "loser in a survivor's world". We were arguing when he died and we could never come to a common ground, but I knew I had to get over it because it was a sick frustration at a man I couldn't blame but couldn't get answers from. I would find myself crying during meditation when I realized that I couldn't actually forgive myself because I failed to be the best version of myself as a daughter. Since then I have learned to differentiate the person in themselves from the person in the relationship with me and accept that someone can be a person with a sparkling soul, but not know how to be a parent or mentor to you.

K: What culture are you heading towards/interested in?

A: If we're talking about a religious belief system, I think I find myself most in Buddhism. I believe that the physical presence is ephemeral, but the soul is eternal and goes through several stages of evolution until it discovers the absolute truth. I believe in Karma and Dharma as general principles of life and notice that they are becoming more and more known in other religions as well, not just Hinduism and Buddhism. I guess people hope for a future full of opportunity and positivity and see Karma as an unwritten guarantee that good deeds will pay off. In essence it is not only actions that materialize, but also intentions, which is why we must learn to channel energy and feelings beyond attachment to the physical world.

K: Any advice for those new to spirituality and yoga?

A: Start with introspection and try to be present in your daily life, not just a passive participant. We often live in the past or the future, because facing the present is too much of a challenge. Spirituality has many lenses and it is important to find the right method or principles to help you discover yourself both in your relationship with yourself when you are alone and in your relationship with yourself when you are with others. Dive deep into your mind, see which memories are connected to which parts of your soul, and discard what no longer serves you. You may lose focus at first, but things take repetition and the realization that you're slipping into old habits is a calibrator in itself. We all like to visualize becoming greater than our current self, so set your intentions and be aware of the length of the path you have to travel. At the end of the day, every experience is an opportunity to shape you.