text: Andreea Decean
ilustratie: Patricia Gheorghe
I grew up having a close relationship with my parents. We had our fights as all teenagers and parents do, but I always felt like I could talk to them about pretty much anything. Despite the healthy relationship I had with them, certain things were left to be talked about with my friends and learned from the internet, more precisely, my sex life. Now I know, that’s a bit blunt to just put it out there on the internet for my parents to see, but don’t worry, I’m going to keep it PG13. So, even though I felt close to my parents, it wasn’t enough for me to go straight to my mom and tell her that I had sex for the first time. Most girls my age, younger or older, don’t have this sort of relationship with their folks, don’t share too much of their personal life, so how do you do it?
How do you tell your mother you had sex?
The most important thing about the conversation you are about to have is whether you feel comfortable or not. No one is forcing you to talk if you don’t want to, but if you do decide to share this, do it once you are ready.
The situation depends immensely on your parents’ mentality. Did they wait until marriage? Did they do it as a teenager? Do they ever talk about it? That’s where you start, you ask yourself these questions and decide how to approach the situation from there.
Do your parents believe this is a taboo subject?
“I understand you might not feel comfortable talking about this and it might be hard to understand why I did what I’m about to tell you, because you did things differently, but I need you to hear me out and understand that 1. I was safe, 2. I felt comfortable and I believed it was right and 3. It was my choice, I wanted to do it…..”
I know, I know, they still might not have the best reaction, but you approached the situation in a smart and mature way, which is something that they always admire, and you assured them about your wellbeing, which is what matters most to our parents.
Do your parents openly talk about it?
“Hey, so, you know we have talked about this before and you told me that, when it happened, I should just come out and say it..…”
This version is obviously much simpler and probably doesn’t make you feel as anxious but opening up about something as intimate as your sex life might still be scary for some. If it is a subject that has been a point of discussion in your family, keep that in mind and the fact that your mom would rather you be honest about it than keep it hidden purely because it seems easier.
Whether you have strict parents or “cool” parents, the unfolding of this event is also a criterion you need to take into consideration when discussing this and I believe there are 3 situations in which your first time might happen, let’s talk about them.
you are in a stable relationship
You have been in a relationship with a guy or a girl for a while now, it’s been a few months, it’s been a year or a few years, you feel comfortable, safe, you love them, you realise it’s time and it happens. For most, this is probably the ideal situation both from your perspective and from your parents’.
you are in a not-so-stable relationship
Let me explain what I mean when I say not-so-stable. Many girls tend to have a thing for the mysterious, bad boy and many times that might not get you in the best situation, you are thinking that he’s different with you, he cares, you can change him, maybe you can, maybe you can be that one girl that changes the f*ck boy or maybe you are one of the rest who ends up heartbroken. It’s a difficult situation to find yourself in and talking about it might be nearly impossible for some, but you need to realise where you want to go from there. You can blame yourself for believing in somebody you shouldn’t have or you can realise that you did something that felt right in the moment, it felt good and there isn’t anything wrong with that. Blaming yourself isn’t going to change what happened, the way you look at it will change the way it affects you. Don’t let it bring you down, let it help you grow.
you had a one night stand
From here you can go in multiple directions: maybe you were at a party or a club, you were having fun, you had a bit too much to drink and you end up taking a guy home ( we are talking here about a consensual situation, you weren’t pressured, you simply wanted to have fun) and it happens. Or maybe it was a “love at first sight” moment, you see them, you talk and you become aware of your intentions and it happens. Both of these situations are completely fine. Might not entirely impress your parents, but it doesn’t make you reckless or stupid for not doing it whilst not being in a relationship.
There is nothing wrong or shameful in being sexually active. Our parents grew up very differently from how we did. This wasn’t something that their parents would talk to them about, so you can’t expect them to be super comfortable with talking about it. However you opening about something as intimate as your sex life with them, might just lead you to have a better relationship with your parents but if it doesn’t, you did what was right from your perspective and let them into your life, if they chose to close the door that’s on them, not on you.